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Dude, do you remembeh that pahty you had in, like, summah of '97? The one that lasted three days?
Well I got there afta work at like, 11 or some shit, and stahted downin' beahs. An hour later I had drank somethin' like ten Samadams.
Yah, dude, i've nevah been more hammud in my life. I was so drunk by midnight that I went inta your bathroom and went to take a piss but i knew my aim was no good, right? So I hadda sit down an piss like a girl, man. I pissed for like ten minutes.
Then I get up to wash my hands and I see in the mirror that i hadn't finished pissin' when I pulled up my pants, dude. I had a huge wet spot growin' down my jeans. It sucked.
Then I crawled upstairs to your bedroom to pass out, right? But you were all, "Dude, bedspins. Bedspins are wicked bad, you should pahty through this, dude."
So I went back downstairs and spilled, like, almost all of my glass of watah on the way. I walked into the room where everybody wuz, lifted a finger and yelled, "Imonna fahkin' pahty through this!!"
Then I think I passed out for a few minutes, 'cuz i definitely fell down, right?
But like an hour lata, I wuz supposed to crash at Macaferri's house, so me and him got a ride from Jonesy, who lives next doah. They only live like 200 yahds from your house, dude, so even though Jonesy wuz trashed we were like "dude, who can't drive 200 yahds?"
So Mac wuz in the back seat, and I wuz shotgun, and Jonesy was all stoned and gigglin' and he kept laffin' and fallin' asleep on my shoulder, and I was laffin' and wakin' him up, 'cuz we kept driftin' to the side of road, dude. He neva even used the gas we just rolled home in drive, right?
Man, we were so plastud. I nevah been that hammud befoah.
posted by Smitty on Sunday, April 01, 2001
I Got Totally Wasted
Dude, did I evah tell you about when we hauled ass up to little Frankie's parent's summah place in New Hampshah, on Lake Winnepacocky or whatevah? It's, like, this tiny shithole of a house right on the edge of the watah. Dude, the place is such a dump, but little Frankie's got all kinds of canoes and paddle boats and queer shit to play with, so it's a wicked good place to get fucked up.
Anyways, so Mac drives me up there on the back of his bike, so fah like two hours I gotta sit right there behind his ass, right? Lookin' at the back of his head. An I already had a hangover from hittin' Flynn's the night befoah so it was no fun stuffing my mellon into that little helmet, dude, fah like two whole hours. I sweah Mac almost took a diggah about fifty fuckin' times on that bike. That kid is out of control, dude. And when we finally get there my ass is totally numb.
So we get up theah an it's me, Mac, little Frankie, Paulie, Warts, Dan-o, Dan-o's girlfriend Missy, and Missy's friend Cheryl who I'd never seen before, but she was so frickin' hot, dude. Such a babe. Hey, wheah the hell were you at that weekend, Smitty? Probly with that stupid bitch Shauna that nevah let you do anything. Dude, she sucked big time.
Anyways, Paulie brought a case of Bud Ice, and Warts had a messload a Sammys, so right away we all start drinkin'. The girls made screwdrivers with the hard stuff that little Frankie's parents keep in the liquah cabinet, which usually is locked but Mac picked the lock with his Lethahman.
So we end up all playin' a game of Asshole, right, and dude it sucked. I wuz Vice President fah the first round, and after that I was asshole fah like eight rounds in a row. And Paulie kept makin' me drink fah no reason! What a wicked prick!
Dude, I got so hammud I almost passed out right theah before we even finished the game. The girls musta thought I was a total lightweight or some shit, but I drank like 15 of em. Then Dan-o and Missy were gonna go take a canoe out on the lake, and asked who wanted to come. And I was like, "Fahgettit dude, I'm just gonna lie heah and eat more of these chips," or whatevah, because I was feelin' pretty messed up right about then. But Cheryl said she though I should come and help her paddle her canoe, and dude, that chick is so hot. And I'm not a wuss or anything, so I was like, "Yeah, what the fuck!"
So somehow I get down to the water and climb in this boat with Cheryl. And we paddle for a while, and it's cool, but then Dan-o comes over in the other canoe and stahts splashin' us, so I try to hit him with my paddle, and I'm like, "Cut it the fuck out, guy! Don't be queah!" And then Missy grabs onta our boat and stahts rockin' it back and forth. I called her a bitch, and Cheryl thought that was frickin' hilarious, but then I felt wicked fuckin' nauxious.
And dude, right then and theah I lean way out of the boat, to ralph into the water, right, and I fall over the side. No joke. The whole fuckin' canoe tips over, and I lose my paddle, and Cheryl's yellin' fah help, and Dan-o and Missy think it's the funniest shit evah. I tried to tread water, and I just kept pukin' my fuckin' brains out into the lake.
So pissah, dude.
I've nevah been so blitzed like that in a lake.
posted by Sully on
Sunday, April 01, 2001